Home - An Idiot Movie Review

Welcome Friends! Welcome to the second ever post of Idiot Movie Reviews. Last time, we talked about a movie I haven't seen, so I thought I'd throw you a curve ball and review a movie I have seen - TOO GODDAMN MUCH.

Yes, Home.

Sigh. Just looking at it makes me sick.

Home is about a group of idiot space aliens that have technology so advanced it borders on magic but somehow can't figure out personal pronouns.

It stars a bunch of people I don't care about. 

My daughter loves this movie. She loves the little girl (who's an idiot), she loves the stupid purple alien guy (who's an annoying idiot) and she loves the cat (who might be a secret genius). She loves the soundtrack which is both stupid and annoying and made by idiots. 

The movie starts out innocently enough, an adorable deplorable purple alien named "Oh" voices over about how his entire race is moving to their new home - Earth. 

And here's where the movie starts to lose me.

First, the movie makes it out like humans are just surprised that this massive alien fleet showed up. Like no one owns a telescope. Shit, we'd have seen this coming so far out that we'd have time to elect an idiot president who'd build a wall around the globe to... oh.

Anyway. the aliens arrive on earth and just take shit over. No resistance at all. They relocate all the humans to like Australia or some shit and just stick them all in an amusement park type of facility. 

Let's break that all down.

First, if you invade earth, you're going to meet resistance. I mean, look at Independence Day, aliens showed up, started some shit, we fought back. Sure we suffered heavy losses, but that doesn't matter. We're humans and more importantly we're assholes, we're not going to just surrender. But no, this movie doesn't depict the millions that probably lost their lives trying to resist these assholes. We probably threw some nukes at them too, but no this movie whitewashes all of that. It glosses over that idea so I had to teach my child about what happens when a group of animals invade the space of another - she has one less cat now but she understands what happens when a bunch of dogs get locked in a dryer with a cat.

Second, let's assume that the aliens (called the "Boov", even their name sucks) show up and the governments of the world did surrender, you still have a large group of redneck idiots that aren't going to go quietly, and these guys are well armed. 

"You can have my guns when you pry them from my cold, dead, oh is that cake?"

Finally, who'd be stupid enough to mix us all up? You can just go putting a bunch of Russian next to a bunch of Syrians, they'll never get on. The entire concentration camp for slave labor Human Relocation Center would turn into a war zone in seconds.

And that's the problem with Home, really, it's just so unrealistic. 

After the Boov take over attack earth, they start doing the stupidest things. They can't figure out how to ride a bike, must be garbage; they eat footballs. I mean, are these all knowing beings or idiots?

The main character, Oh, is the worst of the bunch. They call him Oh because when he shows up everyone says "Oh" as in "Oh god, it's you" or "Oh, fuck my life, you're here". I had to explain this to my kid too, not everyone who enslaves your entire planet likes you.

Anyway, so this dipshit Oh is so excited to be on earth he sends an invite through email to the entire fucking galaxy for a party at his house. And no one wants to go. This guy has zero friends. The problem, we learn, is that by sending the invite to the entire galaxy he has unwittingly invited the Gorn, who are trying to locate and murder the Boov because the Boov suck and the galaxy would be glad to be rid of them.

So in order not to be killed immediately by all the Boov, Oh has to run away and hide, because he's a pussy and can't fight. At this point, I paused the movie and taught my kid how to punch a jammer in the nuts, so that if she ever invites the entire galaxy to earth and her peeps are going to kill her for it she has a way to defend herself. My kid is already more worthy than this purple piece of shit.

Anyway, during his escape, Oh bumps into this little black girl whose name I don't care about. Now how fucked up is it that during the enslavement of the human race it's a little black girl that gets missed? BLACK LIVES MATTER YOU TWATS.

Anyway, little black girl is looking for her mom, whom we know is in the concentration camp. She agrees to help Oh get away from the Boov if he helps her find her mom. They take little black girls mom's car which Oh turns into a flying car by hooking it up to a Slurpee machine. 

Yes I know, this makes no sense, I told you, it was written by idiots. 

blah blah blah, they have adventures Oh deletes the email the Gorn come anyway turns out it was all just a big misunderstanding everything works out in the end.

At the end the little black girl finds her mom. Just her mom. No dad. Let that sink in for a minute. God damn, Dreamworks you racist!

In a movie so unrealistic that no blood is shed, where idiots have mastered gravity and space travel, where a car is made to fly using suger and ice, you think the little black girl could have a daddy. But no, it's unrealistic but we can't have you breaking your suspension of disbelief. 

Anyway, I guess the acting is okay. The Oh thing is voiced by some idiot, the little black girl by what I can only assume is a run away slave at this point since Dreamworks is so god damn racist and the cat must be voiced by Steven Hawking because it's smart enough to keep it's god damn mouth shut through the entire thing.

Idiot Verdict: Avoid like the plague. On a level of bad kids move to shitty kids movie, this ranks an 8. Nothing makes sense and the black girl is reminded constantly that she's 1. a girl and 2. black. Also, fuck Jim Parsons and his whiny ass voice.

I own: ZERO COPIES. Someone bought this for my kid for her birthday last year but we burned it in the back yard and watched the demons flee their host.

I have been your idiot, thanks for reading!

Warcraft - An Idiot Move Review

Hello Friends!

I am your local online idiot, and today I will be talking about the movie Warcraft.

If you're new to Idiot Movie Reviews, and since this is the first post ever I'm going to assume you are, the premise is simple: I'm an idiot that knows nothing about movies so I'm going to talk about them. Why? Because it's the internet and I can. On the internet, any idiot can spout whatever nonsense they want.

This is my time. (Also I miss the "Shit on DVD" emails I used to get, and this is my love letter to that service.)

Onward!

Mm-mm CGI is delicious to me, it tastes like ham-loaf.

When I first heard that there was going to be a movie based on the video games Warcraft and World of Warcraft, I thought it was not only unnecessary but also a terrible idea. Thinking back on all the video game to movie transitions I've seen, none of them stick out as particularly good. Most are filled with bad acting, bad dialog, and are just plain awful. The Doom movie comes to mind. Alone in the Dark. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Dungeon Siege. Wing Commander (Guilty Pleasure of mine though, I'll admit, but cheesy, so so cheesy). Max Payne, despite Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. Tomb Raider. Resident Evil. Need for Speed.

And the list goes on, and let's not forget, anything ever made by Uwe Boll.

Video game based movies tend to fall into the same trap that the Star Wars prequels fell into: all flash, no substance.

So why make them?

Well, because Hollywood is run by a bunch of Jews, really. Hollywood Studios look at it this way: we can take a risk on something new, something fresh, and maybe it bombs. We put in a hundred million and only make twenty. We lost eighty. Or, on the other hand, we can make Warcraft because we know that the player base of the games will likely go see it, so we're more likely to make back our money.

And I'm not making fun of Jews here, this is actually good business strategy and the Jews are known for business. If it was your hundred million dollars would you hedge your bet on the more likely return or risk everything? This is why it's so important to support new films that aren't just a rip off or a sequel or... a video game.

But despite how much I wish it weren't so, they made Warcraft.

So what's Warcraft all about?

Well I'm not sure, I haven't actually watched it yet. But I'll tell you what I know.

Let's start with what the movie has going for it. First, it's not directed by Uwe Boll, thankfully. Instead we get Duncan Jones, who you may know from such films as the outstanding Moon (Seriously, if you haven't seen it yet, go watch it). He and Charles Leavitt wrote the screenplay. So the Pedigree is there. Leavitt worked on such films as Blood Diamond and K-Pax.

Secondly, the movie looks fantastic. The CGI is done well, Orcs look like what Orc and Humans look like they should. The games always had a specific visual style to their characters with over the top muscles for the orcs and armor for the humans and that is still the case here. At any moment you expect one of the brutes on the screen to turn to the camera and scream "H-G-H!!!" at you, complete with popping forehead vein.

Work, work, work.

On to the Plot! There is one, right? Guys? Guys?

The basic premise of the movie is this: "An Orc horde invades the planet Azeroth using a magic portal, a few human heroes and dissenting Orcs must attempt to stop the true evil behind this war."

Huh. That sounds... basic?

It is.

So there's this fel magic that looks like green smoke, and there's some bad orcs that want to use it to rule everything, and there's a bad guy who's a traitor that helps them open the portal and then there's these orcs who aren't bad and haven't been corrupted by the fel smoke (I call it Orc Weed) who join with the humans to fight the bad orcs. So yeah, there you go, You'll be able to figure it all out, trust me. Interstellar it ain't.

Oh and of course, there's the hot half orc half human chick that's there for you to want to bang, so that you'll be more accepting of the orcs. Typical teenage stuff.

Do they bang? I don't know I haven't watched the movie.

Okay, so the plot's fine. It's not going to win any awards but it's there. You won't really care though because you'll be too busy watching awesome shit happen on the screen. Giant battles, griffins flying, Orc Weed killing, massive wolves, it's all here. Epic moments abound and that's good. There are some great set pieces to this movie and it's a blast to watch. The writers could have done better, but they weren't going for full drama here, just fun action. You do get a sense that things are not black and white, and that's good. There are heroes on both sides and villains. In the end, good wins the day, but that's to be expected.

I'd tell you about the actors and their delivery, but I don't care. I don't know any of these people, and as far as I can tell they do fine. Again, no one's going to be winning an Oscar here (except maybe the effects guys) and that's fine.

Movies don't have to be a serious affair. Not every movie you see has to be this deep soul searching masterpiece to be worth your time. And that's what I like about Warcraft. Even if you're not a fan of the games, but a fan of fun action movies or even fantasy, there's something for you to love here. The set pieces are wonderfully over the top, the action is great, the characters, though often two dimensional are fine. The actors do great, there's not half as much cheesy dialog as say, Attack of the Clones (more on that later, I shudder to think about watching that piece of shit again).

Honestly, I'm looking forward to watching this movie. It'll be good to grab some popcorn, a soda, and kick back and just have fun in a fantasy world for a while. Sure, it's no Lord of the Rings, but it's better than those Hobbit movies.

Verdict of the Idiot: Watch it, but know what you're watching. If you're expecting a lot, you'll be disappointed. If you're just looking for some mindless fun, you'll be glad you did.

I own: Two copies. The Target exclusive and the 4K. Why? Because you gotta see this shit in 4K. Plus those sweet, sweet slip covers. And the Target Exclusive looked cool. And I'm an idiot.

Thanks for reading! Check back for more movie reviews by a complete idiot!