Warcraft - An Idiot Move Review

Hello Friends!

I am your local online idiot, and today I will be talking about the movie Warcraft.

If you're new to Idiot Movie Reviews, and since this is the first post ever I'm going to assume you are, the premise is simple: I'm an idiot that knows nothing about movies so I'm going to talk about them. Why? Because it's the internet and I can. On the internet, any idiot can spout whatever nonsense they want.

This is my time. (Also I miss the "Shit on DVD" emails I used to get, and this is my love letter to that service.)

Onward!

Mm-mm CGI is delicious to me, it tastes like ham-loaf.

When I first heard that there was going to be a movie based on the video games Warcraft and World of Warcraft, I thought it was not only unnecessary but also a terrible idea. Thinking back on all the video game to movie transitions I've seen, none of them stick out as particularly good. Most are filled with bad acting, bad dialog, and are just plain awful. The Doom movie comes to mind. Alone in the Dark. Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. Dungeon Siege. Wing Commander (Guilty Pleasure of mine though, I'll admit, but cheesy, so so cheesy). Max Payne, despite Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis. Tomb Raider. Resident Evil. Need for Speed.

And the list goes on, and let's not forget, anything ever made by Uwe Boll.

Video game based movies tend to fall into the same trap that the Star Wars prequels fell into: all flash, no substance.

So why make them?

Well, because Hollywood is run by a bunch of Jews, really. Hollywood Studios look at it this way: we can take a risk on something new, something fresh, and maybe it bombs. We put in a hundred million and only make twenty. We lost eighty. Or, on the other hand, we can make Warcraft because we know that the player base of the games will likely go see it, so we're more likely to make back our money.

And I'm not making fun of Jews here, this is actually good business strategy and the Jews are known for business. If it was your hundred million dollars would you hedge your bet on the more likely return or risk everything? This is why it's so important to support new films that aren't just a rip off or a sequel or... a video game.

But despite how much I wish it weren't so, they made Warcraft.

So what's Warcraft all about?

Well I'm not sure, I haven't actually watched it yet. But I'll tell you what I know.

Let's start with what the movie has going for it. First, it's not directed by Uwe Boll, thankfully. Instead we get Duncan Jones, who you may know from such films as the outstanding Moon (Seriously, if you haven't seen it yet, go watch it). He and Charles Leavitt wrote the screenplay. So the Pedigree is there. Leavitt worked on such films as Blood Diamond and K-Pax.

Secondly, the movie looks fantastic. The CGI is done well, Orcs look like what Orc and Humans look like they should. The games always had a specific visual style to their characters with over the top muscles for the orcs and armor for the humans and that is still the case here. At any moment you expect one of the brutes on the screen to turn to the camera and scream "H-G-H!!!" at you, complete with popping forehead vein.

Work, work, work.

On to the Plot! There is one, right? Guys? Guys?

The basic premise of the movie is this: "An Orc horde invades the planet Azeroth using a magic portal, a few human heroes and dissenting Orcs must attempt to stop the true evil behind this war."

Huh. That sounds... basic?

It is.

So there's this fel magic that looks like green smoke, and there's some bad orcs that want to use it to rule everything, and there's a bad guy who's a traitor that helps them open the portal and then there's these orcs who aren't bad and haven't been corrupted by the fel smoke (I call it Orc Weed) who join with the humans to fight the bad orcs. So yeah, there you go, You'll be able to figure it all out, trust me. Interstellar it ain't.

Oh and of course, there's the hot half orc half human chick that's there for you to want to bang, so that you'll be more accepting of the orcs. Typical teenage stuff.

Do they bang? I don't know I haven't watched the movie.

Okay, so the plot's fine. It's not going to win any awards but it's there. You won't really care though because you'll be too busy watching awesome shit happen on the screen. Giant battles, griffins flying, Orc Weed killing, massive wolves, it's all here. Epic moments abound and that's good. There are some great set pieces to this movie and it's a blast to watch. The writers could have done better, but they weren't going for full drama here, just fun action. You do get a sense that things are not black and white, and that's good. There are heroes on both sides and villains. In the end, good wins the day, but that's to be expected.

I'd tell you about the actors and their delivery, but I don't care. I don't know any of these people, and as far as I can tell they do fine. Again, no one's going to be winning an Oscar here (except maybe the effects guys) and that's fine.

Movies don't have to be a serious affair. Not every movie you see has to be this deep soul searching masterpiece to be worth your time. And that's what I like about Warcraft. Even if you're not a fan of the games, but a fan of fun action movies or even fantasy, there's something for you to love here. The set pieces are wonderfully over the top, the action is great, the characters, though often two dimensional are fine. The actors do great, there's not half as much cheesy dialog as say, Attack of the Clones (more on that later, I shudder to think about watching that piece of shit again).

Honestly, I'm looking forward to watching this movie. It'll be good to grab some popcorn, a soda, and kick back and just have fun in a fantasy world for a while. Sure, it's no Lord of the Rings, but it's better than those Hobbit movies.

Verdict of the Idiot: Watch it, but know what you're watching. If you're expecting a lot, you'll be disappointed. If you're just looking for some mindless fun, you'll be glad you did.

I own: Two copies. The Target exclusive and the 4K. Why? Because you gotta see this shit in 4K. Plus those sweet, sweet slip covers. And the Target Exclusive looked cool. And I'm an idiot.

Thanks for reading! Check back for more movie reviews by a complete idiot!